Home is where the heart is.

For me, that means Mesa Verde 107, and to a lesser extent, UCSD in general. I will be the first to say that this sounds cheesy, but I honestly can't even begin to imagine what my life would be like without the past almost-two years I've spent here. The people I've met, the friends I've made, the experiences I've lived through... I'm certain that they've all worked together to drastically change me from the naive person that walked onto this campus all those months ago. And today, when I came face to face with the possibility of almost losing this home of mine, I was seriously, seriously, scared. The funny thing is that I wasn't so much scared about what I would tell my parents, I was worried and scared about having to find another place to live (that's IF my parents would still let me stay at UCSD in the first place- doubtful) First of all, I'd be homeless. That's scary just to even think about. Second of all, I'd have to deal with the stress of finding a new place to live in the middle of the year, when everyone already has their living arrangements in perfect order for spring quarter. I doubt anyone would tolerate someone trying to throw a monkey wrench into their lives like that. And third of all, I'd miss my friends too much. I know I'd still see them all the time, and that it would only be for a quarter, but things would still change. Where would I go? I can imagine myself now: sitting in some room, living with God-knows-who doing God-knows-what. Studying? I pray it never comes down to that. And it makes me sad to think about it, but I could imagine a situation where I start to slowly drift away. I'd miss an inside joke here, a story there, and bam! I'd find myself out of the loop through no fault of anyone's except the mere fact that it'd be harder for me to be there for them. and maybe my fault for putting myself in that situation in the first place. I know I'm being overdramatic and taking an unlikely situation to the extreme, but it's still a sad situation to think about. 

Which is why I am ECSTATIC that my meeting with the Dean today went well. I mean, she's under the impression that I'm this hardcore, raging alcoholic and she's making me see a therapist for who knows how long, but I'd easily pick this over the alternative- "termination" of my housing contract. I know it wouldn't really be a big deal if I had to leave and that we only have a quarter left on campus, but I'm determined to make this quarter count. And I'm also happy that I get to stay on campus. I mean, what would I do without my friends? They're pretty much all I live for at school. 

And it's these friends I have made that make staying here so worthwhile. I don't think I'd give a flying fuck either way about what happened to me if it wasn't for them. And it makes me realize just how lucky I am to have made such good friends like the ones I have... the kind of friend who comes over to shoot the shit after class and convinces you that there's no reason to be self conscious about yourself (or the brazilian wax she talked you into getting)... the kind of friend who spends an hour teaching you how to play the piano and doesn't give up because of frustration or disgust or a combination of both... or even the kind of friend who you argue with ALL the time but know that you love them to death and wouldn't have it any other way. 

I didn't mean to have this be such a cheesy, "omg-i-love-my-friends" kind of thing. I didn't start out with the intention of writing about my friends, but I think inspiration hit me. That, and I don't remember what I had originally planned to talk about. I guess I'm just happy. Happy that I had a good day today. Happy that I get to stay on campus. and happy that I have a reason for making me want to stay. 

Don't worry. Be happy... Yeah. Easier said than done.

I wish it was simple to be a happy person. Or to even lead a happy life. I'm not referring to the kind of "happy" where the sun always shines, birds always sing and every single detail of your life falls into place perfectly. Sorry, Elle Woods. Not everyone can live their lives being legally blonde. No, I'm talking about the kind of person who, at the end of the day, has no regrets about their actions. The kind of person who doesn't have to wonder about how many people they hurt, or how many other people's dreams they had to step on to reach their own. Who feels certain that they did their best to live up to their own code of ethics and morals, regardless of which faith (if any) they follow, and doesn't feel that they compromised themselves for others. It should be easy, shouldn't it? To be a happy person. To enjoy life to it's fullest extent, the way it should be enjoyed... Then why does it seem like being happy is the hardest thing to be?

From the moment you enter this world kicking and screaming, society immediately lays down the rules it expects you to follow and the ideas it expects you to believe. And when you boil all these rules, expectations, and ideas down to their basest levels, what you're left staring at is society's definition for happiness. Money, cars, huge houses, hot sex, the hottest arm candy of the week... this is what society tells us will make us happy, will make our lives complete and perfect and fulfilling. But are these things really all they're cut out to be? Yes, I'll admit that they make your life easier and maybe even more enjoyable on occasion, but I can't admit that easier necessarily means happier. Couple the ongoing brainwashing you're exposed to from birth with the expectations that society, parents, friends, religion etc. constantly heap upon you, how the hell are you supposed to know what makes you happy? 

I think some people are lucky enough to find something or someone that helps them to make sense of the chaotic world that we find ourselves living in. Whether it's drawing, playing an instrument, writing poetry, finding yourself between the covers of a book, or even being in the company of the person you love, the feeling you get from that is the closest I think I can come to describing happiness. When you feel the most at home in your own skin, when all the exterior noise quiets down to that perfect silence where you experience emotions and feelings ten times as poignantly as you normally would, I think that's what completes you. But what if you never find that one thing that makes you feel complete? 

And if even if you are lucky enough to find something or other that does make you happy, regardless of whether it falls within the parameters society defines or not, to what extent do you have the right to pursue it? What if the only way you could truly be happy meant that someone else had to be unhappy? Who has the greater right? And what if being happy hurts the people you love around you? What's the greater sin: A life of happiness at the expense of those you care about or a miserable existence where everyone you love is enjoying life? 

I seem to find myself always asking the same questions, and never getting the answer I'm looking for. I'm starting to think that there is no such thing as true happiness... Just weary resignation. And a sad acceptance of an existence that sometimes doesn't seem worth going through all this shit for. 

Love.

Love. I know I use the word a lot (almost to the point where it becomes overbearing), and I'll admit I use it for people who I don't really feel the sentiment for. But for the people that do matter, I hope that they know I really do mean it. And that I'm not just throwing it out there for conformity's sake. 

Yay-o for blogging.

Alright, alright. Before I get any disparaging comments on my choice of blog title, I'm just going to nip it in the bud right off the bat. Yes, I know my blog title is named "Straight Talk", and that it's a somewhat ironic (if not completely misleading) misrepresentation of who I am. I chose that title because I like the idea it portrays: honesty and straightforwardness, especially during a time when nothing anyone says can be taken at face value anymore. I know I haven't always been the most straightforward guy in the world, and there are reasons for that, but I'm looking forward to not holding back in this blog. And also, I recently saw the movie Straight Talk with Dolly Parton and I super liked it. Lol. 

I decided to start writing a blog for two reasons: 1) because it's Christmas break and I have nothing better to do (seeing as how all my friends are still in school) and 2) because everybody and their mama has a blog now and I thought I'd get in on the craze as well. I'm actually  a bit wary now that I've created a blog. It seems like something I could easily become addicted to, given my already semi-addictive personality (case in point: cigarettes, Charmed, Facebook, etc.). Oh, well. If it happens, it happens. Whoever said that addictions are a weakness obviously never saw Courtney Love on David Letterman. Am I right? 

Fall Quarter is officially dead, buried, and cold in its grave. Thank God. These last ten weeks were a bitch, at least academically. I don't know how those kids stuck on semester systems can even bear to keep on living. Christmas break must be the biggest tease to such unfortunate motherfuckers... My condolences to them. At least it's over for us at UCSD, and we get a fresh start for Winter Quarter, which I guess is a blessing and a curse at the same time. Yeah, we get to "start all over" and all that good shit, but we also get to find new and innovative ways to fuck up the quarter, which is a lot more interesting but a lot more damaging in my book. Whatever, though. I 'm going to be optimistic this time around and go in with a better work ethic. I'm really hoping I get one for Christmas. Note to Santa Claus. 

Speaking of the new quarter, I've been thinking about making a few resolutions for this upcoming year of 2009. I've never really put much faith in the "New year's resolution", simply because it shouldn't take the dawning of a new year to try to be a better person or change things about yourself. But now I see that New Year's day is as good a time as any to start changing for the better. So here is my abridged "List of New Year's Resolutions for the Year 2009":

Physical: Quit smoking. Ha. Seriously though, I need to at least cut back. This pack-every-two -days habit isn't exactly beneficial to my pocketbook. Not to mention my poor, abused lungs. 

Academic: Actually focus on schoolwork for once this year. No more fucking around, Dar. 

Love/Relationships: Focus on building a friendship first and foremost, before anything else. I'm so over the whole Hey. Nice to meet you. You're horny? So am I. Let's get to it. thing I've been doing for the past year. Not that it's not fun. I just need to learn to think with my head instead of my crotch. 

Social: Find something. Branch out. I need to churn these stagnant waters somehow. 

Hopefully, I stick to these resolutions, but knowing me, I'm most likely going to forget I even made these after today. We shall see, shall we not? 

Well, there you have it, folks. My first post on the blog that I'm hoping to keep up but will probably end up neglecting like half the things in my life. Oh, well. At least I get to say that I'm one of those blogger kids, no? What more could I want?